I'm writing this for the benefit of the next lonely, homesick expat Brit who Googles "English pub Fort Worth".

I spotted one while I was looking for a hotel this evening, but I couldn't remember where I'd seen it, so I looked it up.

In fact I'm neither lonely nor homesick, but I just fancied the idea of downing a couple of pints of London Pride, snacking on some pork scratchings and discussing Man United's prospects for the coming season with the barman.

The Fox and Hound English Pub and Grille at 604 Main Street is a cynical, shameless piece of corporate fraud (it's part of a chain, apparently) that should be prosecuted for misrepresentation. The use of the singular rather than the plural in 'hound' should have given the game away right from the start.

This place is as English as the college basketball booming from the nineteen TV screens, the Coors, Budweiser and Miller Lite dispensed by smiling bartenders with perfect teeth, and the menu of blackened mahi-mahi, grilled quesadillas and Philly cheese steak.

Amid all the Texas razzmatazz, there was just one tiny concession to America's friend and ally across the water: my food was served on a photocopy of an old London newspaper.

This was the third English pub I'd been to in this country. The first, just outside Cincinnati, was someone's idea of what a pub should look like, with bar furnishings imported from England, Strongbow cider on tap, and bangers and mash on the menu.

It wasn't quite right, like one of those sci-fi films where the aliens try to replicate human beings but give themselves away with one tiny incorrect detail, like having six fingers on each hand. The air conditioning and table service were out of place (in any British pub worth its salt, you fight your way to the bar through a miasma of cigarette smoke and try to catch the staff's attention), but at least they'd tried.

The second, the British-owned Crown and Anchor in New Orleans, was just like the real thing, right down to the Walkers cheese and onion crisps and Crunchies behind the bar.

But the Fox and Hound English Pub and Grille couldn't even be bothered to try. And if they can't be bothered to try, I don't think we lonely, homesick expats should bother to give them our custom.